Well, nearly 8 months have passed and a topic has found a way to inspire me. My contract for working here is nearing an end and the million dollar question is, do I go back home or do I sign on for another year? This is actually a much harder decision than the one to move away to a foreign land. I think very few people will ever understand this idea so I will try my best to convey it.
"When are you moving back?"
"We miss you."
"You've had an adventure and I see you miss things so you should come back now."
These are some of the most difficult things to hear as an expat. So many emotions can flow as a result. You start to question if you've really completed everything you really set out to do while abroad, you think about how relationships and friendships back home have changed since you left, and most importantly you think about how your financial situation and general independence will be affected when you do return.
As an expat, you will always miss something or someone from a life you were accustomed to. That is how life works - we relish in the good and comforting memories. Yes, we get homesick for mom's home-cooked meals, the holidays that are specific to our region, even the small things like having a clothes dryer or our trash disposal routine. But missing something doesn't mean you necessarily want to go back to it or should go back - at least not hastily.
When I talked about moving abroad I remember how everyone was rooting for me to go and do great things. What have I done? I've managed to stay financially afloat, eat, work, and other mundane tasks just like I did back home. Yes, there are certain challenges that vary due to language differences, rules, or cultural differences - but at the end of the day, all I've managed to do is to tread water (in another country) which is basically what I have been doing since I moved out of my parents' house decades ago.
I think what people back home forget to process, is that there is an adjusting period that occurs when you move away, even if it is just to another state. You are learning the ins and outs of the new neighborhood/region. You are learning to rely on mostly yourself (something I'm all too familiar with already). You're focusing on moving forward because dwelling on what you left or what is in the past will only make the adventure a difficult and heartbreaking one. You can't make a lot of advancement until you've tackled that first.
I lost my biological mother to suicide nearly 17 years ago and when I mention it, people automatically feel sad for me. I can understand and appreciate the sentiment. It was one of the biggest challenges I had to deal with in my life. But I spent years learning not to be sad about missing her but instead, appreciating everything about her. That doesn't just mean the fun times, but really searching my emotions and learning to embrace even the hard things about her like her addictions and her mental disorders. I think without such in-depth and continued self-evaluation, I would never be able to handle this excursion or many others that I've endured.
The past few months it has bothered me that I don't really miss the majority of people. Before anyone gets offended or butt-hurt, it's not that I don't think of so many people more often than I express. I think, however, from moving around so many times in my life since I was young (military life), I learned to find a way to adjust. In this process, you realize everything will change whether you control it or not. Despite the things that we enjoyed about the past, there are also things we remember wishing that could be different. I learned that if I stay stuck in the "wishing things never changed" phase I would never be the person I am today and I would never be able to handle any changes that came my way. Change, although it can be terrifying, is necessary to grow and live a worthy life.
So if I don't miss people I must be heartless and full of emptiness if I return the sentiment... at least this is what I've been telling myself until recently. But no, I am bursting with emotions for the people I know. Too much even at times. To me, missing someone usually means you never hear from that person anymore for whatever reason and that there will likely never be an ability to continue a relationship (either due to broken ties or death). So if I miss you, I know our relationship is over and will likely never see a new story. Otherwise, while I may not physically see others, I assume our story still continues even if there are miles or even years in between. If I miss the hanging out or talking, all I have to do is go visit or make a phone call. There is no valid excuse.
However, one thing that occurs when you move - whether it's to a new city or another country - is that it's inevitable that you may reevaluate the relationships you thought you had with people. People you thought were closest to you suddenly become distant or too busy for idle conversation. Yet people you may have hardly known will surprise you and become a friend you never realized you already had. You learn the difference between who merely thinks about you and who really makes an effort to show you. And yes, I too am guilty of this.
Holidays can be hardest when abroad. Families gather, traditional meals are consumed, good and bad memories - and you are missing out on it all. It's hard not to let these seemingly trivial things bring you down, but even for people who are usually strong it can be nearly crippling. Thanksgiving nearly busted me emotionally. Everyone wishing me a happy holiday that is not only NOT celebrated here, the food is nearly impossible to obtain. Everything you ever knew about a tradition you never truly realized you relied on is simply not important when you're living abroad. Something in this "limited access" is what tore me down. The idea that every other holiday I've ever known has been left or lost in translation of another culture. "You're here now, celebrate our holidays." Yea, I still managed to find groups to try to celebrate with but the difficulty levels in doing so can barely be worth the reward. It can lose the spirit if you're not careful.
Overall, hearing the continuous I miss you and when are you coming back comments are quite a nuisance. I still pay bills back home and worry about what my children are dealing with and other family and friends. But most of these same people barely make an effort to check in with me - this is not intended to make anyone feel guilty but simply to address that it is more an emotional drain and hurts my emotional state. These phrases make me feel guilty like I did something hurtful or selfish in moving. These same people who said "it's time for you to live your life" are the same ones wanting me to go back to the routine we once had. At times it feels like I'm being suffocated by an invisible source and the only way for it to stop is to let it take my last breath of air from me. I'm not sure if this is how all expats feel but I received similar comments after I moved from Colorado (still do after 11 years).
Please, for the love of sanity, stop asking people to move back to what they left - whatever the reason. Let them choose when they want to or can. Support them on their journey and if you miss them, make efforts to see them or contact but not guilt them into coming back so you can occasionally see them. Think for a moment how selfish that sounds. I think about how many people wanted me to visit them when I came to Colorado for 3 days at a time versus all of the people who made time to actually visit me. Yes, our lives get busy but if you miss someone it's because you aren't making enough effort to keep the connection that you had. This last paragraph feels a tad salty and bitter and I apologize, but it is a minor rant 11 years in the making.
Anyway, to address the elephant in the room...when am I coming home? The answer truly is that I'd like to stay at least another year and then see where I go from there. It's not official but it's the best decision for my financial situation and my desire to accomplish something I set out to do. I will know this month. Yes, I love all of you and would like to just chill and have good times but life is filled with difficult times also and I know that whether I am here or there, those are unavoidable. The difference here is that I'm nearly forced to think about what's best for me first and not what others want of me. Something I fail to do so often. So before asking the million dollar question or telling someone you miss them, take a moment to think of how those words are helping them or if they're making things harder. If you're unsure, maybe it's time to reach out for a chit chat. After all, keeping in contact is as easy as a 30 second text message these days. All hail the internet.
Sincerely,
The inner workings of an expat life...
