February 7th, 2021
Goodness gracious, I'm horrible about blogging and writing! Here I thought all the days would be filled with adventures I'd feel compelled to share. Yet, often I feel like I'm just being quietly stalked and haters quietly throwing shade about what's going on in my life. I think people don't realize that, even while I'm "living some grande adventure ", I'm still dealing with the same daily life challenges that so commonly plague even the most mundane life. We've been dealing with the pandemic of covid-19 for a year now. Still wearing masks in class and have the minor anxieties that are tied to the "what ifs" if one of us catches this dang virus. But at least here I have insurance, affordable and much better than my home country has ever provided me. People are less reactive to outbreaks (as we currently see between 350-450 new daily cases). We have never gone into a lockdown as so many places did. However, there are restrictions on numbers of people, time restrictions for businesses, and masks and temperature checks are mandatory everywhere. In most places, we're also mandated to sign in or have an app that tags our location in the event of an active rise in cases within areas. It's been a nuisance but sadly a new way a normalcy.
Hearing from most family and friends back home has come to almost a complete halt. Not saying some of it isn't my fault too, but I do feel a bit jaded that it was occurring even as I was reaching out. I felt as if I was always making more effort than others. With 50+ people constantly feeling like I needed to reach out to them first, it really felt like a part time job to keep track of who I had contacted and who I still needed to contact. And then when I did, it often felt very guilt-laiden about my absence or had no conversational substance.
The life of an expat is an interesting one. I have often read up on other people's experiences. It's both exciting and sad. Yes, I get to see places and do things that others may dream about, but you sacrifice connections you thought you had to do so. Maybe they were never really as strong as you once believed they were and this is just a part of the sad reality of it all. Making genuine friends abroad is more challenging as you never know how long each of you will be there. Maybe there's quite a bit of distance physically in your residence or even a cultural/language barrier. And let's not even get into the additional challenges and headaches that come with dating while abroad.
Two years into my "adventure" and I'm less sure about where my future lies. So much of me longs for some of the comforts of home and people I love, yet anxieties of having to be surrounded by those who've nearly written me off mount when I think of returning home. There's a fear of going back to "life as it were" after having had more. At times, it's difficult not to feel abandoned here by those that I confided in or spent so much time with and it has been an ongoing challenge to cope with the anger and heartbreak that it's created. I'm not sad nor lonely here though - not overflowing with friendships either but it's an oddly agreeable feeling of complacency. I may be alone but have become accustomed to the emotional and physical distance and even tend to crave the solitude more than I ever thought I would.
One of the more challenging things of being an expat, is that you begin to see things differently. How spoiled I had always been to have had a clothes dryer in my home, or to so casually toss into the trash whatever I no longer used/wanted, how easy it was to just BE in the state of residency. Watching people here that view Korea as their home fighting every government policy to stay even after 12 years, the unsurities that come with not having the right passport and how in a brisk moment your world can be changed. Seeing the deficiencies in one's own country become easier. I can now see why people go to places illegally when governments often make it so challenging to even go by the book to come legally. If an employer decided they no longer liked you here, they can let you go and then you have 10 days to find another job within the tight restrictions of your work visa OR vacate the country.
Being an expat allows one to see just how shitty we all are to each other yet also shows us just how empathetic we can be. Example being: for Thanksgiving I wanted to make pumpkin pie. A luxury so easily taken for granted in the states, yet pies, pie crusts, and even ovens to bake in are a rarity. One little cafe with a very simple taste of home that even turned my taste to a dish I used to turn my nose up at (chicken pot pie), became a haven in finding a little piece of home in a foreign land. In our broken language skills, a friend and I approached the owner to ask if we could buy some dough from her (because good luck getting shortening here). She seemed confused and hesitant to even try to understand our request. But then returned with 4 tiny little frozen pre-made pie crusts in her own tins. Amazingly, these were small enough to fit into a toaster oven purchased for small baking tasks. While it took over 3.5 hours to cook 4 micro sized pies, it made everything feel worth the struggle. She trusted us with her dishes and upon returning them, we thanked her by sharing one of our baby pies. Small gestures like these seem to make all the other expat struggles more than worth it.
While you realize your own country seemed good before, you are faced with its shortcomings like no national health insurance. Some of the basic perks make it harder to return to your own broken system. You begin to weigh the pros and cons of your restrictions as an expat vs. the ease and familiarity of your own national status. I really understand why people come to the US not knowing nor learning a lot of English and even risking deportation. We do have it worlds better than so many other places and it is not an easy task to do everything by the letter of the law. It's a very arduous and stressful task that sometimes time doesn't allow.
As I sit here eating a small bowl of basic white rice and drinking a cup of tea made from an electric kettle, I only can wonder what my future holds. I don't worry but I do question my motives for staying or for leaving. I am fully aware that I will never be or feel the same in my own native country, nor will I ever feel truly at home in a foreign one and this is truly an immense burden to process.
Currently, my whole life for the past 40 some years can fit into a couple large suitcases and a handful of boxes, which even that seems like too much to bear sometimes. I still cling to seemingly irrelevant items that trigger memories yet I realize there is actually very little purpose for them in my life. It's a peculiar predicament to be in. After this, I know I could be content somewhere in a quiet area just outside a town living in a tiny home with the most basic necessities and a few personal trinkets or treasures. It really just comes down to getting the goods one needs and good health.
Anyway, rambling on about how I'll never really fit in anywhere again while still trying to make some major decisions. Stress and anxiety has become an unfortunate companion as of late and I know I need to cut ties sooner than later with this burdensome friend. Once again, decisions need to be made and I find myself in a déjà vu of where I was last year with the only difference that will for sure not be at the same job nor in the same housing as I've already given my notice. Question now is do I search for another job here and deal with the BS politics that comes with being on a work visa or go back and face the BS politics of life back in my "homeland". Oh, what a life!
Happy New Lunar Year!
(2 years of life compressed into 2 suitcases...)
