July 11, 2021
Oh, yes. Hello again with my seemingly once a year update on life abroad. Still teaching and moved to a new city and school. While the area and general conditions are a little better, life is a little more difficult here.
Before, my boss would help us do anything that we needed to do - doctor's appointments, immigration, banking, monthly bills - while sometimes it seemed awkward to share some of these moments with a mere stranger and boss, I did take for granted how helpful it really was. Now, at this new job, I am left to figure out everything for myself. Let me tell you that the amount of stress, frustration, and despair that this creates is heavier than I anticipated.
It doesn't help that we are still fighting off this stupid pandemic. Korea waited to place a bid on vaccines because they were trying to save money. So now with only 30% of the country only having received only the first dose of the vaccine for Covid, the numbers are beginning to spike higher than any time since the virus began. Of course this affects most chances of a social life that is already a difficult one as an expat. But at least before the virus I was able to attend expat tours which would allow me to meet others. And since moving to a new city (4 hour train ride away from my group of friends and most of the tour groups), it is even more challenging now.
I have been able to meet a couple groups of people but I just don't feel a connection yet. I'm not even feeling a connection to the person I've been dating for a year. So I have to wonder if this is typical to fall into a downward slope due to the lack of personal connections or if this is the common symptom referred to as "expat depression".
This is rarely discussed but after thinking about the expats I have known that have been here for a few years or more, I can see a lot of the same symptoms. One of the biggest ones is always feeling like you'll never be good enough or that you're always doing something wrong as an expat. It is so easy for the society that you are living in to blame the people that are different or not treat them in a sensitive or nurturing manner. People seem to forget that people can be far from their own country, language, customs, family, and friends and how challenging these alone can make daily life.
Yes, I made this decision and I can just as easily return to my "home" country. Yet, the wonderful paradox that a lot of expats experience is that nowhere ever really feels like home again. You are not necessarily missing your life in your native country but you are definitely feeling the weight and adventure of being somewhere new and challenging.
I think it has been the most difficult for me being here since November of 2020 while I seemed to manage my mental health better even at the early part of the pandemic here. Having a constant reminder that everything is more effort here daily, holidays you barely thought about when in your own country pass you by with a little sadness, friends and family continue on without as much as a "hello, hope you're well". Life is actually very complicated for an expat.
I often hear women talk about how dating in this country is horrible or impossible. People, both sexes, begin to question what they will be doing or even be able to do with their life in the years to come. Expats that have been here awhile seem more recluse than even the short term ones as if there is a type of foreign cooties that will spread among other foreigners if one gets too close. The sense of self-confidence one once had begins to fade away and turns to bitterness. For some it happens quickly while others it may take a few years to occur - maybe even a worldwide pandemic. Whichever method, it can be nearly paralyzing.
Having been a single mother of two children for 19 years without much support, I honestly thought if I managed to do that alone, this would be a cake walk. I was accustomed to not being invited places, to not being able to afford to do things that others were doing, to have no one to talk to that understood my situation, and to have some form of near crisis almost daily. I was a pro at doing things alone and figuring out how to overcome every obstacle and challenge that got in my way. I didn't enjoy it, but damn, I sure was confident that I'd figure it out somehow - and I always did. I had to. There were two little lives depending on me. But it doesn't mean that there weren't days that I thought I couldn't go forward and wanted to throw in the towel.
So, how the heck am I nearly 45 experiencing a depression phase that is almost as heavy as when I become a single mother of two at 21 or when my mother committed suicide when I was only 25? I did choose the single parenthood life because the alternative was worse. I didn't choose the circumstances of my mother but I did have to deal with a lot of the aftermath and emotional torment. But this move was something I planned on, I had the resources set up to not get the blues. I knew what to expect and thought I knew how to avoid it, and I managed well for quite some time.
Was it the move to another city without the support that I had before that did it? Was it starting before I moved and I just thought that a change would resolve it? I knew the idea of going back to my home country was still not desired but I also knew things were becoming more emotionally difficult here. New Year's Eve and day I literally shut out the world for 36 hours and just cried for so many reasons I can't even remember most of them.
I think as an expat we are terrified at feeling like we failed at the living the life in a new country and we silently hear the judgement in our head, "you chose this". We feel the weight of the locals judging us - especially when we don't speak the language. Sure, I'd learn more Korean if I planned to stay here for a long time but I know this is a short term place and the language is not really useful anywhere else in the world. Excuse? Maybe. But I didn't come here to make a life here. I came here to have a better understanding of what it's like to move somewhere new with a new language and culture. It was literally my resume builder for working with immigrants upon returning. And lately, I feel like I can't even socialize with people of my own culture. Great field work, Johnson!
Anyway, I felt like maybe writing about these struggles would help me sort out some things that I needed to acknowledge and accept about myself. We're all susceptible to depression and isolation. Having taken many psych courses in university and understanding that the job of a counselor/human services worker requires a lot of self care, I know what to do to help with these emotions. But surprisingly, even with all of that knowledge I had, I fell victim to it.
I plan to meet up with people when and where I can, to paint/draw/write, even cook some things from home that are difficult to obtain. I do self care like listen to relaxing music, have a spa day, take myself on coffee shop tour or sightseeing excursions, even rent a hotel with a bathtub to unwind. These do help. However, there is still a darkness that being an expat can leave inside of a person that can make you never really feel like yourself again. It's as if I do not know which direction I should sail going forward. I try not to think too much about it but sometimes, for mere sanity's sake, you have to step into reality for a moment to see the direction in the storm that you are taking on.
For any expats and immigrants out there, I acknowledge your struggles and daily bravery to keep going forward. Remember, if you feel like you are being consumed, please
reach out. It can be difficult but likely the people that will understand you the most are those that have battled similar monsters and challenges. I don't know about everyone else, but I'm too stubborn to lose this battle. Be there for each other. And find your self-care regiment, even if it includes a therapist. Love and hugs to all... We can do this together!
