Repatriation is a B**ch - "Welcome Home"... Maybe

May 22, 2022

I returned to the states April 20th and I probably spend more time fighting back tears and trying to maintain composure these days than I have in a long time. I knew it was going to be difficult. Only about 40% me was ready to leave. If a work visa meant I could have quit and found a new, different job field there, I'll tell you in a heartbeat that's what I would've done. But S. Korea's visas are very restrictive and not really as foreign friendly as many expats would like them to be. 

I was struggling packing up 3 years of a life that I created from only 2 suitcases and a poorly paying job with semi humane living /working conditions. Everything I endured and overcame to be successful, independent, happy, content... and I'm stuck deciding what value things are to me, what I can dismiss or pass on. I'm not sure if you've ever had to pack up your whole life into boxes... as many times as I've had to do it, this time was the most difficult. A lot of procrastination, a lot of convincing myself it's time, a lot of denial, and even more tears went into emptying my apartment through March and April. 

I thought that I needed to come to help be there for other people and that I was done coping with my current expat circumstances, fed up with the foreign politics. I started researching what to expect with repatriation to help prepare, but it really wasn't enough. I understand why there's debriefing for soldiers who've been stationed or in intense situations. You are NOT the person you left as but everyone assumes you are or you should be, just with new stories to share - except no one wants to really hear them. Few people ask about your experiences and even fewer ask how you're reacclimating. And if you say, "In (XYZ) things were (this way)" you start to see eye rolls and signs of disinterest, but that's what you know now.

Everything at home is unfamiliar, seems ridiculous, or feels strange. Places you once frequented create anxiety. Fear of running into people you knew, especially ones you thought were close but drifted all too easily away after you left. When it happened to me I was strange and awkward. I just wanted to run away, to cry, to yell - I don't even know all of the emotions I was feeling but I didn't want it to happen again. If I'm stagnant too long I feel my eyes anxiously scanning hoping I don't see any familiar faces. I probably looked scared or highly suspicious. Even dropping the mask makes me feel naked and exposed to not a disease but vulnerability and judgement. It took me almost a month to even choose to meet up with a close friend because maybe even that would be weird. How could I lose so much by having gained and accomplished so much? 

I had some money to come back with but circumstances quickly demanded that I use it and to get back to what everyone else calls "normal". It's the most abnormal I've ever felt. I struggled moving from Hawaii to Colorado but this... THIS is almost as heavy of a burden as when I lost my mother. Nothing tastes good. Things look different, yet familiar, as if only from a dream. You question daily things that you've dealt with like tips and sales taxes, road rage and clothing choices, your safety and your tolerances. You feel more foreign in your own country than you ever did in the foreign land... and you're doing everything not to scratch and crawl your way back to that place because it's hard to accept and adjust to this... this place they call "home"... Going back isn't the solution, but going back to an old life isn't either.

When I left for Korea I had a house full of belongings, a running car, so many close friends. Upon returning, I'm lucky to be able to collect my few boxes into a small closet, my car sits collecting cobwebs - broken down, my family relationships have become more unstable - fragile even, many friendships I thought were strong are broken and trigger so much heartbreak and confusion - no job, dwindling funds, no private space of my own... I feel as competent and independent as a 13 year old child. I feel I can relate to dementia patients or homeless war vets. Even though I don't know the extent of their struggles, I have a small taste, an idea of what it's like to go back "home" and not know where you are. Like déjà vu - you may have been here or done this before but you can't really put your finger on it.

People welcome you back and it breaks your heart instead of making you feel happiness. You really don't feel welcome. People are weird to you. Everything feels foreign. You're struggling with a heavy loss and everyone thinks you should be or feel "normal" now. But there is no longer a "normal" for you. Where you were was lacking, but where you return to is a gaping hole in the space-time continuum. "Who are these people, these places? Have I always been so oblivious and content with this crap?" It's hard to now be proud of where I'm from - call me unpatriotic, I don't feign a care anymore. You start to realize there are some good things about everywhere but it's hard not to be shocked and appalled by all that you see that's lacking here, at "home". You have disappointment after disappointment. You feel lonely but surrounded and engulfed by chaos, drama, and so much noise you can't tune out. You can't get away like you used to be able to and it's easy to feel trapped - to feel overwhelmed or even hopeless that you'll never feel such contentment and simple joy as you once did. Yes, that's depression - but, "Welcome back!"

You may get angry with yourself - "Why did I come back?" Disappointment takes hold - "What do I have to show from such a grand adventure?" I now live out of suitcases and get to try to minimize and repack my whole life to sit in boxes longer while everyone else is starting new. You feel grief - "I've lost so much and I'm losing myself whom I built up so strongly through those experiences." You compromise - "Maybe if I just bite my tongue, not feel feelings and/or acknowledge struggles I'll be able to cope and move on more quickly". Hopefully you'll reach acceptance before you lose yourself or your mind. 

I feel like what I'm going through others see as just something as interesting as "oh, you swam with a dolphin - cool." Yet to you, you defeated an alien invasion and saved the whole human race from extinction - but "cool". "Welcome Back". Now you can stop "playing" and get back to "real life" like everyone else. But, like a toddler in their terrible twos, you want to kick and scream the whole way, "I dont want to! You can't make me! It's not fair!!"

And yet, very few people still ask, "How are you doing? Do you need anything? Hell, she's strong and independent. She lived three years in a foreign country. She's got this. I have my own things to deal with".... but she's trying to help others because that's all she knows and it's her only familiar thing at the moment - even when she's being told to STOP and think of herself and her needs first. But, the "thank yous" or words of appreciation are lacking or few - and it hurts. It's almost crippling... It's difficult for her to just wake up in this unexciting, mundane, past life. She's struggling but still puts others' strifes before her own. And yet, others are upset with her when she's not the way they want or expect her to be....

Yeah, it's a catch 22 - a swift kick in the cajones. I would never say don't go or don't travel/live abroad. Quite the opposite, actually. GO! Go sooner than you think you're ready! Don't stop going! You are a global citizen and only other expats will ever truly understand you now. You are wiser, more sympathetic, more wordly, more calculated with relationships, you know the value that living somewhere completely different or exotic gives you. You appreciate the mundane and complications of new but not the past. YOU. ARE. FOREVER. CHANGED. And it's wonderful, and amazing, and sad, and overwhelming, and scary - all simultaneously chaotic, and it's so exhausting and confusing but so ASTOUNDING! And ... so lonely... more lonely than being in a foreign land knowing no one... "Welcome back home", they say to you as you're grieving the loss of your "home"... and all you can do is fight back the tears and emotions, and pretend that you're "home" so people will just let you be alone, while waiting for that moment of acceptance to come......... 🕛🕐🕑🕒🕓

"Once a marvelous sight and great strength, she is now sitting in shambles, unattended to, quietly and unceremoniously just falling apart."

Follow up: the things I don't like about Korea...

 March 17th, 2022

So, as I sit here listening to the sound of my AC unit dripping a significant amount of water onto the towels that have been placed behind the TV, I have decided to finally follow up with the things that I dislike about Korea....

First, a sense of urgency is lacking in most services or daily things. I reported my AC leaking water a week ago and the maintenance came, looked, and said they're busy and will send someone when they can. At the time, it was just leaking a little and slowly damaging the wall paper. Now, the wallpaper is bubbling and has dripped water into the TV. Not to mention that the electrical outlets are directly below the AC where are of the water is dripping. I wish that this only pertained to this instance but ask me about appointments and having my Korean boss drive me to them another day. 

That leads me to my second point of frustration - placement of electrical outlets. In so many cases there may be one outlet in an entire room - usually close to where the AC unit plugs in, now that I think about it. So a person has to run multiple extension chords or constantly switch appliances. Grounding is an atrocity here. I'm surprised more buildings don't catch fire from electrical/safety hazards. 

And to tie in the third, WALLPAPER! This is the most obnoxious thing. Every place is covered in wallpaper. You can't put anything up without damaging it and with the high humidity or bad window seals, you're bound to end up with water damage somewhere on a wall somewhere in your time here. The buildings are usually made of concrete so painting is not a thing - they just put wallpaper up. Which also means that buildings have to be torn down often as concrete doesn't age well over time and stress. So add crappy construction to the list. 

This also ties in the humidity and the black mold that can be found literally everywhere. When you notify a landlord they act as if it's your fault. But the spores are often on the surface of whatever material is under the wallpaper or it is lingering in the AC or the bathrooms. I have a love/hate relationship with Korean wet bathrooms. Not to mention as a person with asthma, being able to breathe here in high humidity is already a challenge. When the humidity is high, the temperatures are miserable. If it's hot it's like sitting over a pot of boiling water. And when it's cold, the slightest breeze tears through your bones and body like daggers of ice. So, that's fun!

The wet bathrooms - you literally have a single drain in the middle of the whole bathroom. There is a shower head attached to a hose that may or may not attach to a wall. While this can be very nice when cleaning the bathroom, after just showering, your floor is wet and you'll have to wear shower slippers for any further purpose. Let's not forget the amount of hair that has now clogged the drain in your bathroom making your potty time an adventure at sea. Also, the bathrooms have a surprisingly large amount of water erosive metals that are exposed to water (door hinges, door handles, towel rack, etc). This also includes the handy dandy toilet paper holder. It has a metal flap so in theory the TP doesn't get wet from the shower head. However, in reality, the whole bathroom accumulates condensation on the tile walls that drips against the toilet paper that is now resting against said wall. Some new places may have a small glass wall that is between the sink/shower and the toilet but my experience is that it is rare. So, one must be careful not to get the toilet paper roll wet. I have placed a makeshift shower curtain in my bathroom (which is not something commonly found in Korean bathrooms). 

So you have a soggy wet roll of TP... now what? "Throw it away", you say. Well, thrash here is on a whole different level. Public trash cans are like finding a needle in a hay stack. Usually you may find them at subway/train stations once you are down by the tracks. But rare AF to find them casually on a street, in a park, or in public places. It is the consumer's responsibility to purchase specially marked trash bags for your district in order to dispose of trash. You do not pay a monthly trash service, you just buy the bags as needed (which is financially nice). However, now you have to recycle everything! Sounds easy, right? Not really. You never really realize how much stuff is "recyclable" until you are forced to separate it. I have more recyclable materials than general trash in a month. And now you have to clean said trash for recycling - equating to more dishes/cleaning/time. And the FOOD trash... the worst. There are no garbage disposals in most Korean houses so all food waste must be separated into a separate bag or specific container to go to the animal feed. My freezer is often more full of food waste than it is edible food. This at least saves it from rotting in my fridge before I have a chance to take it to the disposal area. Worst part is, I have a very weak sensitive, stomach so I gag very easily. So much fun!

On the subject of food, fresh vegetables and fruits are quite pricey compared to what I was used to in the states. The options seem so limited in comparison also. But, everything sold to you at the stores is usually in sizes for a family and rarely can you buy one item. They love bulk and 1+1 sales. Cucumbers - 2 or 3; Tomatoes - sometimes 4 or a small plastic box. For a single person with odd working hours, this can lead to more food waste than desired. It's a for sure that I probably throw a lot of money away here. Not going to lie, on occasion, I have hidden some food waste inside something in a regular trash bag just to dispose of it without the hassle. 

Still a trash topic but the amount of packaging waste here is insurmountable. Fast food places will provide you with a plastic bag for your drink, a small paper bag for your fries, another bag for your main course, food put into another paper bag and all placed inside another larger plastic bag. Total overkill. While my drinks have always been delivered virtually spill proof, it is a lot of clean up and extra work when you are too lazy to cook. All of the fruits and vegetables come in some form of plastic, sometimes packaged individually then put into a larger packaging method. Sometimes, I feel like I am being suffocated in all of the excess packaging from seemingly simple items that would probably not have had such elaborate wrapping back home. 

The smell of sewage and rotting food.... this is something that will sneak up on you out of the blue. You may be walking down the street and suddenly you are smacked with a stench that almost knocks the wind out of you. This is sometimes from the sewers and drains or sometimes from the piles of trash bags stacked up on the side of the road or curb awaiting trash pick up. This happens sometimes in your own house when the pipes have a little backup and suddenly your bathroom or kitchen smells very foul. I'm always surprised at the lack of sanitation here in a country that is so advanced in some areas. 

On the topic of sanitation, basic hand washing is virtually non-existent. Before covid, you'd be lucky to even have found toilet paper or soap in a public bathroom and the fact that this never bothers most people is disturbing. Toilet paper is coveted inside individual stores or facilities for you to take sparingly and in many facilities, it is asked that you do not flush toilet paper but instead place it into a small trash inside the stall. Hence, often leaving stalls to smell all too much like a literal urinal. And to boot, there is rarely soap in a public bathroom. In some rare cases you may be blessed to find liquid or foam soap. But for the most part, when you can find soap, it is a bar of the cheapest soap on a metal stick that everyone has to pretty much give a hand job to in order to get any lathering to occur (the mental images - ew). Only to be met with the iciest cold water to wash your hands in. I think in three years I have found warm water in a bathroom less than 5 times. If you have neuropathy pain, you'll really love this feature. Dry your hands? LOL - nope! I think with covid more places have placed paper towels or plugged in the hand dryers. But you'll get more dirty looks for using them as there was some talk about how they just blow the virus around more. You can often tell the people who DO actually wash their hands as you will see the wet marks on their pants from wiping the excess water off onto their pants or the shaking of wet hands as they exit the lavatory. 

On the subject of public bathrooms - One: sometimes there may just be a hole in the floor in a stall. I understand that this was common here and is still in many Asian countries. However, at my older, more broken down age, squatting to pee with my drawers around my knees is just not a skill that I have mastered. And, Two: if you do drizzle on yourself, better believe you won't find TP to wipe yourself off. I have thought way too many times about how many women have damp chones after having tinkled. Yes, I'm probably spoiled, but not wiping after any of the numbers does not sit well with my sensitive parts. 

Public spitting is such an issue here. You could be walking down the street and suddenly have to dodge a loogie coming your way. Due to mask mandates with covid and the stigma of being labeled a covid germ spreader, it does occur a little less unless you are around an area where a lot of older men hang out. Nowadays though, people will pull their masks down to spit without a care. I have decided that this is the main reason that they take their shoes off at the door to enter a home. Trust me, the floors still get dirty even if you don't wear your shoes, but just probably saliva-free. 

Public peeing is also an issue. Since drinking in public is allowed, people will sit outside of a convenience store to drink. Where there is no restroom, men often just open their flaps wherever. I was privy to witness a man peeing into the fake foliage inside the newly decorated subway station in Seomyeon. That week alone I saw three separate men urinating in widely public areas. Note - it is mostly drunks that do it but I have also witnessed a mother letting her daughter urinate on the side of the main highway as cars passed because there was not a bathroom close enough. I can say that I have not witnessed this as often but don't be surprised if it is something that you encounter while in Korea. 

One of the things that has really been pulling my chain these days is the concept of lines. While some places people seem to adhere to lines extremely well (in many subway stations), other places it's like the Hunger Games (like city buses). I had my right foot on the bottom step of the bus as an older women jumped and pushed in front of me, as if it was perfectly ok. No one says a damn thing about it either. Even a young foreigner that often takes the same bus as me will cut in front of an entire group of people to get on the bus and secure a seat. The difference with me, if I see an older person standing and I have a seat, I will most likely offer them my seat (unless they pushed their way onto the bus rudely). Similar things happen at stores. There is some sense of entitlement and even if you were actually standing there already, it is not surprising to have someone approach the counter as if you were invisible or were just a decorative statue. This has been one of my biggest gripes lately.

So, I am here to teach English, right - just as so many other foreigners now and years before me. If there are so many people here teaching English and it's taught as a required course in public schools, why is there so little English available? I understand neighborhood places but at immigration where a large majority of English speaking, working foreigners go to, the English is very limited. English teachers have been coming here for at least 10-15 years to help Koreans get ahead in the global work force. The thing is not that they CAN'T speak English though, but that they just don't really want to. I was at immigration last year not understanding what was being said and the clerk did not want to use an app translator but instead just kept repeating herself in Korean. I finally said I was just going to call someone who spoke both languages and suddenly she could speak to me in English - well enough for me to understand. I almost blew a gasket. I truly understand not speaking the same language and I have tried to learn enough to get by (relate very well to US immigrants now knowing very little English). But the thing that never seems to fail is that when you don't understand, a lot of people just repeat their Korean words more loudly and annoyed as if suddenly one becomes fluent in Korean by adding volume. In English speaking countries, we tend to speak slowly or use shorter words/phrases - a concept unknown here. 

On the level of languages, many websites that require/have foreigner traffic (tax, insurances, banks) are almost always in only Korean and will not even translate with the handy dandy feature of automatic Google site translation. Luckily, I can at least read the language so I can navigate a little better than some but this is a very tedious inconvenience. Many of these sites that don't allow for auto translation will also not allow screenshots on a phone for "security" reasons. If you have the patience and time, learn the language I suppose. My gripe is that it is literally the only place that speaks Korean in the world and I will more likely encounter a Korean with English skills as it is a mandatory public school course than I will someone with only Korean abilities. Just makes me aware that I should work a lot harder to learn Spanish or Arabic. But it is quite funny when I say one word in Korean and everyone is amazed at how good I can speak Korean (but not actually understand me when I am asking for something in Korean). 

On the above note, foreigners are not really allowed to teach English grammar. I have seen a bleed-over or heard in some cases where the school expects it but we shouldn't be. Apparently, Korea has written their own English grammar rules and categories on how to efficiently teach our language. Students will stop and correct themselves when they say "thuh apple" to say "thee apple". I know this can be natural In English but it does not really change the context - yet it is focused on more than the simple and necessary Period. Current Korean writing has periods but the language is also set up to almost instantly know when the thought is completed as there is either a verb or an honorific suffix added at the end. This is not present in English. I try to reiterate until I am blue in the face (out of breath) about how important these are in writing English. It still amazes me that these kids can take English for 8 or more years and still leave out periods. This gripe is less about Korea I guess than it is about the way they accept the teaching of English. 

The always "injured and offended Korean" has been another complaint. After seeing the Russia-Ukraine conflict on the news lately, it does seem more apparent that it may be more prominent in many countries worldwide though. Meaning, Korea is always upset with Japan, China, or any country that makes Korea as a whole feel like less. Example, Japan occupied Korea around the Korean war and they will hate and throw shade on Japan still. The Tokyo Olympics on the Korean news was controversy after controversy. This would be like everyone just saying Germany did something bad 70+ years ago and anytime someone says Germany, the group has to say "We hate Germany. Germany sucks." Bad things happened but many seem to really hold onto the past. Tell a Korean that Dokdo is a Japanese island just to spark a crazy tyrannical reaction. Not going to lie, sometimes I do it just for entertainment. Yet, ironically, there are less bad feelings about North Korea and the stress and difficulty that they brought to the southern part of the peninsula in the past. With this in mind, I do try to remind myself that we have all been taught (brainwashed even) to have undying love for our own country and to stand up anytime someone says different. A lot of Americans are very much the same, sadly. 

The couple mentality is another level here. Christmas is a couple's holiday. Kids will even wallow over being solo for various holidays. Valentine's Day is for the girls to give gifts to the boys. Therefore, a day was given to the girls to receive gifts from boys, White Day (3/14). There is also Pepero Day which is cracker-like sticks with some form of chocolate or candy coating. The sticks look like the number 11 so that is the sign of couples or something. I may be a little off on my description but I really have had little to no care to dive further into it. I just know that occasionally I will get a plethora of these snacks that I rarely eat. Couples wear matching outfits in public. Many of us have a game when we see these matching couples, we punch the other person - similar to punch buggy in the US. 

On the subject of sweets, too many things here are sweet. Potato chips are sweet, garlic bread is disgustingly sweet, things that should not be sweet just are for some unknown reason. Yet traditional Korean food is often spicy, bitter, or pungent. This is likely a new addition to Korean life but I will not buy Korean chips no matter how desperate I am. 

The dynamic of most typical relationships here is definitely not something that is to my taste. It is a very patriarchal society still and women are pretty much expected to get married, have kids, and not work or attend school while raising kids - it doesn't matter how high their scores were in school. As a result, a lot of women are choosing not to date or get married these days because they want to live a life of their choosing. Of many of the Korean women that I know, many are very unhappy in their relationships and just accept that their husband drinks a lot of alcohol, stays out late hours, and probably has a girlfriend on the side. This always amazes me. But, as long as the bills are paid I guess they see it as a trade off. I am often told by older women that they envy me for not being married. Yet, younger women constantly ask why I don't want to be married. I guess, when I think about it, the overall idea is similar among women in the US, too. Hmmmm....

One of my other big issues with this place is sadly something that occurs everywhere around the world on some level. Foreigners are the root of all evil. Ok, but seriously, when covid started, if it wasn't churches getting the blame it was all the foreigners. People don't want to rent to foreigners, rarely want to be friends with foreigners, rarely want to even acknowledge foreigners unless it fuels some bad agenda. But, as an American, I have heard all of this from my fellow countrymen. I have been on the other side of race having moved around some due to a military parent but seeing and experiencing it on a legal level (even though waaayyyy downplayed compared to most Western locations) has been more of an eye opener. Even more strange to see that white skinned people are usually still treated better than those with more pigment, including their own race. 

Air quality is probably my last complaint. A lot burning of fossil fuels, huge amounts of people here and in neighboring countries, can create some pretty cruddy air. I always thought it was just overcast. Reminds me of San Diego when I was younger - or even LA 20 years ago. Amazing that LA's air is usually 2-3 times better than here. 

So other than some of the basic sanitary and cleanliness issues, a lot of my issues sadly are complaints that I actually have about my own country. People keep asking if I'm ready to come home. I see all of the great things that this place offers, but sometimes, it can be difficult to get past the less frequent gripes that we have. I think most of it is just that I can talk back without fear of being sued or deported at home. For the things that are difficult, I have found it generally easier to cope with than all of the bad stuff back home (I can always play the ignorant foreigner here). 

However, while there are things I will not miss, I know that there are a lot more that I will miss. Sadly, the things that are difficult just get exhausting to deal with which are more a result of my own culture and lack of local language. I still would not want to live here forever, though. So, I'm about 45% happy to be going home soon. Just not looking forward to the "same 'ol sh*t, different postal code" stuff. 

Anyway, here's to hoping my new waterfall doesn't destroy my house. 

Adventure in Daegu

January 31, 2022 Seollal Break

Story time:

So today (Monday) was supposed to be chill as it was our (me and Elsi) last day in Daegu for the Lunar New Year. We checked out of our hotel at 10am after spending 15 minutes trying to figure out what card they charged since we never gave them a card at check in and I didn'thave one registeredon the app.

Afterwards, we decided we would go put our bags in the subway locker until we headed for the train station at 2ish. This required a phone number and credit card. Everything seemed to be going well and my card was sufficiently charged.

Grabbed an early meal at McDonald's and then wanted to see what movies were playing only to find out that there were only 3 playing and the one that was in English had been watched already. So we window shopped and walked around until we decided to go to Sparkland - which is a bunch of carnival type rides atop a building.

Elsi is terrified of heights and the ferris wheel dangles you over the edge and moves very slowly. She managed ok and then we decided to go on the Disko ride that rocks and spins you - even though we both get ill from spinning rides.

Luck seemed to be on our side as we managed ok and only needed 30 minutes to settle our bellies. So we decided some tea and a dessert would be an ideal way to end the adventure before catching our train back. AMAZING, BTW.

We people watched for about 45 minutes after from the amazing cafe view and then headed back to our locker to retrieve our belongings so we could go to the train station still one subway stop away.

We had 45 minutes before we had to catch our train. I had taken pics of the location and marked it on a map. Got to locker #10, entered the phone number to open, but it kept saying no such number. We entered it multiple times. There were few people around and no one that seemed to work there.

I was beginning to stress - a lot. Luckily we still had 2 days of vacation but we needed our stuff. Even if we missed the train, that was all very important things.

There appeared to be a number to call so I did only to have a Korean automated system. First it played and then hung up. Called it again, decided to push 1 and it gave me a busy signal and hung up. Tried a third time, pressed 1, and it started ringing. A lovely korean voice answered on the other end who spoke ZERO English and apparently didn't have anyone there that could (even though the menu of the locker was in english). We had 30 minutes to get our stuff and get to our train.

The woman continued to proceed in only Korean with what I assumed to be were questions. Of course it also seemed as if all humans were nonexistent outside of us. Finally an old man walked in for a break and I ran over to him with the lady on my phone and tried to ask him to help. Pointing at the locker and saying like the 10 Korean words that I knew that might help him understand what was happening.

He tried to help us and seemed to be getting somewhere until he said we had to call the assistance phone in the station. Elsi called and got someone in English but then they just hung up on her. We were so lost and down to only 20 minutes to still travel and get to the correct track.

We went back to the locker and a worker appeared (maybe as a result of the call - still unsure) and he spoke English. He talked to the lady on the phone as we pleaded for them to hurry and find a way to open it. Luckily, they opened it and we finally had our stuff. But we had about 17 minutes now.

We hurried down the 3 flights of stairs to the subway with our sore feet from all the walking only to have to wait...Tick Tock...because it was still 3 stops away and taking FOREVER!

Finally we get on the subway and with 10 minutes we began to maneuver our way through the subway line to find the exit/entrance for the train station (which was quite a distance). Korean subways are often underground shopping centers so they can be very long.

Finally - the exit to get the the train station! But...about 40 stairs up...and no escalator nor time to find an elevator. We were doing our best to get up those stairs as quickly as possible but it was such a challenge. Luckily, the next area had an escalator to get to the terminal but it was sooo slow and we couldn't manage any faster. We just figured if we miss it we would just catch another train later if there were seats or even stay another night.

But I wanted to try before canceling the tickets and giving up. By the time we arrived at the top we had about 5 minutes to find the track and get to the platform. Literally half running while reading the information board on where to find our train and also trying to login to our ticket page while carrying our luggage.

We find the track, take the escalator downstairs to the platform to be greatly pleased and horribly exhausted and out of breath that we had arrived on the platform with about 1.5 minutes before our train to Busan did.

Nothing like cutting it close. What a crazy adventure!

The Flying Elephant

Story time 

12/22

The Flying Elephant 🐘 

One day, I walked into Dunkin Donuts by my work to grab the most American tasting hot dog that I have found while in Korea. I was dazzled by the Christmas tree at the front door decorated in blue, gold, and clear glass ornaments. 

When suddenly my eyes fixed on one ornament in particular. It was a blue, blown glass hot air balloon with gold paint and blue glitter. Attached by a delicate golden cord was a little elephant, as if it were being lifted through the sky. 

I LOVE elephants and thought, "I have to have this! Where did they buy it?" Christmas anything is really not easy to find in Korea so I assumed it may not be too difficult to pinpoint a place to purchase it.

I spent days searching Google, Naver, Amazon, Coupang, G-Market, etc to see if I could locate it or anything similar. Mobiles for babies rooms were all that I found, but not this ornament. I made the mistake of telling a friend that I saw this and she begged me to find it too. 

So, I went back a few days later and in my minimal and broken Korean, I anxiously asked the store clerk where that ornament was purchased. I was told the manager bought it locally. So the clerk asked for my phone number and said that he'd have the manager contact me with the location. 

An hour or so later I received a message from an unknown number, telling me in the best English that they or a translator could muster up, that it was purchased at a "free market" close to Beomil station. Of course one can't simply look up "free market" in English on a Korean GPS, so I frantically began searching the map for anything that seemed likely on the map.

A coworker actually helped me locate it and turns out it was a wholesale market place. So I sent the location on the map to the manager to confirm. They said it was correct and that I would find the ornaments on the 3rd floor. 

Fast forward another week, I was meeting a friend close to that subway station so I decided to leave my house earlier so that I could peruse this wholesale market in hopes to find it. That was also the coldest day yet in 2021 in Busan (3°, -2° with wind chill), but I was determined.

I bundled up in my long padding (long winter coat), scarf, hat, gloves, and face mask and left my house at 9am. This market closed at 5pm so I was afraid I wouldn't have time after meeting my friend and time was short only being a week away from Christmas when all the Christmas items would get packed away.

I arrived at the station, hiked up the 4 flights of exhausting flights then cross the street to this triangular shaped building. There were pop up stores and kiosks in the front with household items, socks, lamps, etc. So I found an entrance and went in. I was suddenly emerged in shoes everywhere as if a Payless shoe store had exploded. The aisles were so skinny to walk through that barely fit with my winter coat and backpack. 

I just needed to find an elevator or stairs to get to the 3rd floor. Finally, I saw the sign for stairs... more stairs... ugh. I should have beastly legs living here with all of these stairs.. But, I was on a mission. I wasn't going to leave until I searched every nook and cranny. 

I hiked the narrow stairs still surrounded by boxes of more items for display to be unpacked later. I arrived at the 2nd floor and found myself virtually swimming through winter coats and winter clothes. I could barely see any aisles. But there were no stairs to the 3rd floor!! What?!?! The stairs stopped so I had to maneuver through this winter wonderland of garments in search of another way up. 

Turning corner after corner, squeezing through alleys of clothes I finally saw a sign for stairs. I hurried towards it.... only to find that it was the same stairs I came up. Feeling a little defeated in the moment, I let out a sigh and decided to just go straight until I reached a solid wall. This building didn't look so big from the outside. 

Low and behold I reached a glass doorway, which I could barely see beyond, another set of stairs!! I excitedly scurried up yet another 15 or so steps to the 3rd floor where I reached another glass door.

My heart began to race and a grand smile swept across my face. I could see through these doors the start of the most shiny and brightly colored Christmas items that I have ever seen in a single place. This had to be a good sign. 

I searched the first designated area with no luck, then the next, and then another. There were so many decorations but nothing of blue and gold.

I walked around aimlessly store after store until all of the Christmas items turned to floral arrangements. The Christmas was gone! So it was time to go back and be very thorough. Surely, I had either missed it or missed another store. 

It's a good thing I don't have a permanent residence and a bank full of spare cash because I would've bought so many other things. I came across two more stores where finally I saw an old woman barely visible from within the plethora or ornaments. 

My time was running short and my hopes were getting low. So I asked her in my poor Korean attempt, "Elephant isseo-yo" (elephant is there) while showing her a picture of the one I took of the Dunkin Donuts' Christmas tree. 

Assuredly she nodded her head and started walking. Had I really found it? It was such a needle in the hay stack after an hour long journey, a million stores, no Korean skills... was it really within my grasp? 

Behold, there was one hanging by a clear twine. She grabbed her scissors and snipped the twine to show me. I was practically dancing with glee. She surely thought I was the craziest foreigner ever. But I didn't see another. I was hoping to buy one for one for my friend and one for myself. 

My heart quickly began to sink looking around and not seeing another one. Would I have to bribe and haggle with Dunkin's manager for one of theirs? I sheepishly asked, "are there 2?" Her eyes began scanning the masses of ornaments and finally she found ONE more!! And quickly, my joyfully dancing returned with added clapping of excitement.

I did it!! I was so pleased with myself and this two hour long journey I went on. $15 each may be a lot but it felt like I had won a trophy - 2 trophies! I just kept saying "kamsamnida", "thank you" to the owner. I would have to thank the Dunkin's manager for the help.

At home that weekend, I made cookies and pumpkin bread in my tiny toaster oven (smaller than an Easy Bake Oven) and put aside some goodies to give the sajangnim (manager) later that week. I used a translator to write a kind and brief thank you in Korean writing - so I hope it translated well. 

Today, I went to Dunkin Donuts to gift him the Christmas treats and card. While waiting for my Piña Colada slushy I kept gawking at the tree that started it all. I felt both pride and excitement all over again. Then the manager started to pack up the donuts I purchased into a paper bag and then into a seemingly gigantic plastic bag. I was puzzled, but Korea always over packages things, so I dismissed it. 

Then he walked towards me with my items and suddenly grabbed a small box of various donut holes (mini round donuts) and put them into my oversized "no more" plastic bag. 

Seriously, it was the sweetest gesture and not my goal to expect anything in return as they had done so much already to help me. I thanked him profusely and headed to work where I decided to gift the box of sugar treats to my co-workers

And THAT is the story of "The Flying Elephant".

The Joys of South Korea (My Favorite Things)

 December 15th, 2021

So, after living in Korea for almost 3 years, I have decided to put together reasons why I like it here - things that make life better.

Health Care

I love that I have affordable health care. I do have to pay about $130 US a month to have this coverage. They will remind via messages and paper notices when it is time for regular check ups. I had mine this year and in total spent about $80 out of my own pocket. This covered many tests, like blood work, an ultrasound, a mammogram, a pap, x-rays, urine and fecal samples, and an endoscopy. 

I've also had a severely sprained ankle that cost around $50 US which included multiple x-rays, a boot, bandaging, and a prescription. I can get my birth control over the counter without a prescription and it is less than $10 a box. 

The doctors are all specialized in their field so you just go to a "hospital" that coordinates with the area of the body that you need checked. You can go in for most things without a prior appointment and you can easily be in and out in 20 minutes or less. One of the best things is that they will also tell you up front how much any procedure will cost with or without insurance. Plus, most doctors have some level of English so it is helpful that you will likely find someone in any office that has some English skills. 

Banking

I am impressed with the way that the banks and financial institutes run here - at least for a nobody with little money. All transactions are immediate. If you make a purchase using your bank card, it is deducted immediately. There is no more waiting a few days to see if/when your account will be charged and risk that pesky overdraft fee. 

This also works the other way - receiving money. When someone does a refund or sends you money it is received and available immediately. There is no waiting for funds to clear as the funds have already been guaranteed. 

I am assuming they must have some of the most secure banking practices as bank account numbers are offered to people like a phone would be in the US. Anyone can send/transfer money to and from any bank. If your friend uses their card to pay for a meal because it's easier than splitting it at the register, just jump onto your banking app with ABC Bank and send your amount to your friend at XYZ Bank. No fees, instant transfer, and easy (of course AFTER you have maneuvered through the challenging installation, installation, and security to set up the app). 

I have not yet encountered any banking fees here even when I was not receiving an income for a month. My US bank charges me $15 every month because I don't have a set amount of direct deposited funds. 

Transportation

You can go to almost every corner of this country using public transportation. I take a bus every day to work which costs me less than $3 US round trip. A 10-15 minute taxi is usually about $8 US. The best thing about these is that there are apps for the city buses, the intercity buses, to hail a taxi, to take a train, and even the subway. You will get times and prices for all of these on your handy dandy phone. If you have a bank account here, you can connect your bank card to use for all of these modes of transportation. Otherwise, you just purchase and load a card at a local convenience store. 

Most of the city buses run fairly regularly and often there are a few buses that are going in the same general direction. I rarely have to wait longer than 10 minutes to catch a bus. Almost every bus stop is equipped with a reader board that tells you how long until your bus comes. Taxis are literally everywhere and when you can't find one, use the app. Probably safer than Uber or RideShare services in the US - except they sometimes drive like they are Mario Andretti. 

The subways are also usually every 5-10 minutes depending on the size of the city that you are in. I have not ever seen one that is dirty really but I have heard occasional stories of the homeless or drunks that have their moment on the carriage. 

One of the most interesting things about the public transportation experience is that people are often very quiet while riding. There is some cultural rule that it should be a calm and quiet ride. I have even seen people yelled at by the bus driver because they were talking even at a low voice. 

You can take various speeds of trains across the country to many cities or towns. Depending on the distance that you are going, it can be a fast and inexpensive way to travel. A fast train from Seoul (north) to Busan (south) is usually $50 US and the slower trains can be around $30 US. The trains and subways are easy to navigate and almost always on time. 

WiFi

The internet here is not exaggerating when they claim that it is the best in the world. Yes, it is a small country but very mountainous. I have been on FaceTime while in the middle of a hike in the mountains. I can honestly never recall a time that I have ever not had signal on my phone. You will still experience occasional issues but often it depends on the model of your phone and the phone plan/company that you chose. My monthly unlimited phone plan is $70 US which is not really cheaper than back home, but a whole hell of a lot more reliable. 

The wifi service for a residence is usually just as good. Some buildings will combine the wifi for all residents and this can pose some issues for slower or more patchy services but it costs less than $20 US per month. Amazing! Your cable can be included and still pay under $30 US monthly. 

Plus, the majority of businesses provide customers free wifi. Most will have a password but once you have set it up, your device should remember it unless they change it - which is rare. Many people have very limited data on their phone plans here because of how easily they can access wifi. 

Safety/Security

Still baffled by this. You can 98% of the time leave your cell phone or computer sitting on a table in a public space while you step away to go to the restroom or order something more. If someone drops money or a card, people will usually leave it there and not touch it in the event that the person returns for it. I have left my cell phone in a taxi a few times and they driven back and returned it to me (often for a small fee to cover their lunch or a coffee). 

As a single woman, you can walk around most places at any time of the day or night with little concerns. There are cameras everywhere, even on parked cars that are recording while they sit. You can be drunk or sleep anywhere in a public place and you are usually left alone and your items will still be with you when you come to. There are codes to enter most houses, apartments, and buildings and more cameras. 

The only thing that I've really ever heard stolen with high regularity here is bicycles. Definitely a good place if you are looking to travel alone. As a female though, never let your guard down too much as there are still many sexual predators here. 

Office/Business Placement

Nearly every building you pass by will have at least one business located within. Many of them will have a business or two downstairs and apartments/living space upstairs. This means that you are hardly ever far from anything. And then there are buildings with multiple floors that have many businesses. Just in the building that I work in there is a grocery store, multiple academies, a Starbucks, restaurants, various doctor's offices, a hair salon, pharmacy, bowling alley, gym, cell phone store, and that is all that I can think of. Some business have vacated leaving empty spaces all over but it's difficult to tell. 

Just on my way to work I can visit a bakery, a butcher, a choice of many coffees/teas, grab donuts, have ice cream or a fast food meal, visit a store similar in price to a family dollar yet almost as convenient as a Walmart, see a doctor or dentist, get a nice hotel room with tub, go to a singing room, exercise in various ways, do my banking, stop by a convenience or stationary store, or even drop in at one of the many beauty supply/make up stores. The convenience of having everything so close is amazing and I feel like I have been in a dark hole my entire life. 

Cafes!!

This is probably one of my most favorite things here. I am not a coffee drinker so I was surprised to find myself collecting new cafes to visit as time allowed. The cafe culture here is often a place for taking photos, great aesthetics/scenery, and if you're really lucky - good food and beverages. 

There are cafes specifically for kids where parents can drop their kids off for a couple of hours and they will be supervised by the staff while mom or dad runs errands or has some quiet time. There are so many kinds of animal cafes, mostly cat and dog cafes where you can go pet or play with the animals. One that I visited had meerkat, raccoons, cats, and even a deer just roaming around together. Book cafes, themed/color cafes, cafes that specialize in a specific dessert or beverage, cafes set up like a time/place in history or in the world. I always go mainly for the atmosphere and occasionally I get lucky and get one with something amazing to eat. I will travel far and wide to visit cafes here and I mark everyone of them on my map in case I want to go later. 

Cuteness

You can find cute things to buy and see everywhere. You can find a cute place nearly everywhere set up for you take photos - even in the middle of the mountains or a ghetto. There are museums or places to take cute pictures. Stores galore that sell adorable plush toys, phone cases, pencils, even adorable foods. I buy more pointless crap here than I should. Even the Daiso (the local store like a Family Dollar) is amazing!

Drinks are cute, animals are dressed in cute clothes, little babies and toddlers have squeaky shoes and are super cute. Couples are more cute with each other than handsy like you may see in a western country. The ice cream cakes at Basking Robbins are way too cute as with most cakes or desserts here. Even when receiving a delivery order you may receive a cute little handwritten note asking you to enjoy your food. Heck, most Korean appliances will talk to you or sing to you in a cute little voice. It is literally cuteness overload but I don't hate it. 

Customer Service

This is usually very good here, unfortunately the reasoning is more of a dark one. Koreans hate to lose face or be looked down on. Don't dare give a bad review online because there are actually defamation laws that could be used against you. 

Example of good service. I accidentally placed an order for what I thought was for a delivery meal when in reality I selected pick up. I am a cool 20 minute subway ride from the restaurant. Well, I ordered at 9:45pm and the store closed at 10pm. The store stayed open waiting for me (one solo person) to came pick up my food. At 10:30 the store decided to call me to see where I was. Even though the conversation was only in Korean all 5 times they called, they were willing to talk to a friend who would call them then call me to tell me the situation. This continued for about 15-20 minutes. Finally, around 10:50pm, it was decided that because I still wanted the food, they would call a delivery driver to have it delivered. Something like this would NEVER have happened in the US. after 10 minutes max they would have closed up, trashed or taken the food home, and not refunded or offered any further assistance. 

This country is also big on giving you extra stuff at stores. I have received a cute umbrella for free when buying donuts at Dunkin' Donuts, calendars and cups at coffee shops, even a handkerchief and canvas bag at a book store. The "free", "service", and even "plus one" (buy one, get one) culture is always abundant. Again, the whole goal is that a company or business is always trying to be better and save face - as long as you are the consumer it is almost always guaranteed. Heck, I even liked an ornament on a tree at a donut shop and they took my phone number so that the store manager could message me with the location that she purchased it. Over the top - but I don't hate this either. 

Technology

Most of the things using technology is pretty amazing. You may encounter robots at a museum or at the airport. Self ordering kiosks at fast food restaurants or self checkouts in various languages. The Korean cars, even the cheaper Kia, are equipped with cameras and many standard features that would cost an arm and a leg in the states to "upgrade" to. Their digital Covid system is pretty efficient. Heating the floors in winter instead of centralized heat from a vent. The hotel key cards that will turn off all electronics once the card is removed and often saves your settings when you return. I haven't had the opportunity to use many things based on the lack of need or finances for home technology. 

Beauty Supplies

This culture is super obsessed with personal image and aging well - and slowly is definitely important. There are so many stores set up just for this like the beauty supply section of a Walgreens. These products are often very good if they are Korean made. Even the lotions from the cheap Daiso are often good quality. While some products are a little pricey you will likely get a plethora of samples when you purchase something. The cleansing and moisturizing face masks are also something to be sure to try. Be prepared, you may become addicted to a certain item and it may not be easily available once outside of Korea. 

Fruits/Vegetables (Select)

The best apples and strawberries that I have ever tasted in my life - plump, juicy, and sweet. Even their gigantic grapes are delicious and I am not a huge fan of grapes. These can be very expensive but these fruits especially may be well-worth the occasional splurging. 

The carrots also never seems to rot as quickly or easily. I have had carrots in my refrigerator for 2-3 weeks and never became soft or started to go bad. I would say 3 weeks is probably about the longest you may want to risk it though. They are also large and rarely bitter. Not sure if they are genetically modified or not but I really enjoy the carrots here. 

Free or Inexpensive Museums

I love museums and almost every museum in this country is free or less than $5 US. You may find something like the Trick Eye Museum which is a more interactive 3D art piece that is more expensive but if it has to do with Korean history or culture, it's likely super cheap. There are museums EVERYWHERE! I have been in a small isolated village and there was a museum. Often these are dedicated to some person that was famous at some point in history. One thing about Korea, there is always a "famous place" or "famous person who lived here" everywhere you go. 

Many Things to See and Do

Even with Covid and some restrictions being in place, there is always something to do or see here. From museums to amusement parks to street markets. The river is a 5 minute walk from my house and the ocean (which can be seen every day) has a nice beach 15 minutes away by subway or taxi. There are historic buildings, malls, and food markets everywhere. Pre-covid, there were festivals which you can occasionally find even now. People busking in some shopping districts. There are game cafes (with board games or PCs), sports/activities, karaoke (noraebang) rooms, apple picking events, a German and American Village, cherry blossoms in spring and colorful foliage in the fall. You have to not like to go out and be a hermit if you can't find something to do here. 

Culture

There is Korean culture in every corner. I guess that happens when you have a country and people that go back longer than a couple of hundred years. You can see rebuilt structures from hundreds of years ago and occasionally original ones that are hundreds of years old. You can see the traditional Korean style dress either at tourist sites or in shop windows. You will see people bowing to each other in greeting or leaving. If you are open to it, you will learn more Korean history and culture than you would ever really want to know. If it's your thing, then yay. Otherwise, it could be a boring and repetitive experience. 

I do believe at the end of the day, these are the things that I really do enjoy about being here and definitely things that I will miss when I leave. I did the good first because I don't want to sound like I am complaining and because I wanted to focus on this "merry" time of year. At another date and time, I will fill you in on the things that I really dislike here. 

Until then - Find the things in life that make you smile. Toodles!

A Life Displaced

July 11, 2021

Oh, yes. Hello again with my seemingly once a year update on life abroad. Still teaching and moved to a new city and school. While the area and general conditions are a little better, life is a little more difficult here. 

Before, my boss would help us do anything that we needed to do - doctor's appointments, immigration, banking, monthly bills - while sometimes it seemed awkward to share some of these moments with a mere stranger and boss, I did take for granted how helpful it really was. Now, at this new job, I am left to figure out everything for myself. Let me tell you that the amount of stress, frustration, and despair that this creates is heavier than I anticipated. 

It doesn't help that we are still fighting off this stupid pandemic. Korea waited to place a bid on vaccines because they were trying to save money. So now with only 30% of the country only having received only the first dose of the vaccine for Covid, the numbers are beginning to spike higher than any time since the virus began. Of course this affects most chances of a social life that is already a difficult one as an expat. But at least before the virus I was able to attend expat tours which would allow me to meet others. And since moving to a new city (4 hour train ride away from my group of friends and most of the tour groups), it is even more challenging now. 

I have been able to meet a couple groups of people but I just don't feel a connection yet. I'm not even feeling a connection to the person I've been dating for a year. So I have to wonder if this is typical to fall into a downward slope due to the lack of personal connections or if this is the common symptom referred to as "expat depression".

This is rarely discussed but after thinking about the expats I have known that have been here for a few years or more, I can see a lot of the same symptoms. One of the biggest ones is always feeling like you'll never be good enough or that you're always doing something wrong as an expat. It is so easy for the society that you are living in to blame the people that are different or not treat them in a sensitive or nurturing manner. People seem to forget that people can be far from their own country, language, customs, family, and friends and how challenging these alone can make daily life. 

Yes, I made this decision and I can just as easily return to my "home" country. Yet, the wonderful paradox that a lot of expats experience is that nowhere ever really feels like home again. You are not necessarily missing your life in your native country but you are definitely feeling the weight and adventure of being somewhere new and challenging. 

I think it has been the most difficult for me being here since November of 2020 while I seemed to manage my mental health better even at the early part of the pandemic here. Having a constant reminder that everything is more effort here daily, holidays you barely thought about when in your own country pass you by with a little sadness, friends and family continue on without as much as a "hello, hope you're well". Life is actually very complicated for an expat.

I often hear women talk about how dating in this country is horrible or impossible. People, both sexes, begin to question what they will be doing or even be able to do with their life in the years to come. Expats that have been here awhile seem more recluse than even the short term ones as if there is a type of foreign cooties that will spread among other foreigners if one gets too close. The sense of self-confidence one once had begins to fade away and turns to bitterness. For some it happens quickly while others it may take a few years to occur - maybe even a worldwide pandemic. Whichever method, it can be nearly paralyzing. 

Having been a single mother of two children for 19 years without much support, I honestly thought if I managed to do that alone, this would be a cake walk. I was accustomed to not being invited places, to not being able to afford to do things that others were doing, to have no one to talk to that understood my situation, and to have some form of near crisis almost daily. I was a pro at doing things alone and figuring out how to overcome every obstacle and challenge that got in my way. I didn't enjoy it, but damn, I sure was confident that I'd figure it out somehow - and I always did. I had to. There were two little lives depending on me. But it doesn't mean that there weren't days that I thought I couldn't go forward and wanted to throw in the towel. 

So, how the heck am I nearly 45 experiencing a depression phase that is almost as heavy as when I become a single mother of two at 21 or when my mother committed suicide when I was only 25? I did choose the single parenthood life because the alternative was worse. I didn't choose the circumstances of my mother but I did have to deal with a lot of the aftermath and emotional torment. But this move was something I planned on, I had the resources set up to not get the blues. I knew what to expect and thought I knew how to avoid it, and I managed well for quite some time. 

Was it the move to another city without the support that I had before that did it? Was it starting before I moved and I just thought that a change would resolve it? I knew the idea of going back to my home country was still not desired but I also knew things were becoming more emotionally difficult here. New Year's Eve and day I literally shut out the world for 36 hours and just cried for so many reasons I can't even remember most of them. 

I think as an expat we are terrified at feeling like we failed at the living the life in a new country and we silently hear the judgement in our head, "you chose this". We feel the weight of the locals judging us - especially when we don't speak the language. Sure, I'd learn more Korean if I planned to stay here for a long time but I know this is a short term place and the language is not really useful anywhere else in the world. Excuse? Maybe. But I didn't come here to make a life here. I came here to have a better understanding of what it's like to move somewhere new with a new language and culture. It was literally my resume builder for working with immigrants upon returning. And lately, I feel like I can't even socialize with people of my own culture. Great field work, Johnson!

Anyway, I felt like maybe writing about these struggles would help me sort out some things that I needed to acknowledge and accept about myself. We're all susceptible to depression and isolation. Having taken many psych courses in university and understanding that the job of a counselor/human services worker requires a lot of self care, I know what to do to help with these emotions. But surprisingly, even with all of that knowledge I had, I fell victim to it. 

I plan to meet up with people when and where I can, to paint/draw/write, even cook some things from home that are difficult to obtain. I do self care like listen to relaxing music, have a spa day, take myself on coffee shop tour or sightseeing excursions, even rent a hotel with a bathtub to unwind. These do help. However, there is still a darkness that being an expat can leave inside of a person that can make you never really feel like yourself again. It's as if I do not know which direction I should sail going forward. I try not to think too much about it but sometimes, for mere sanity's sake, you have to step into reality for a moment to see the direction in the storm that you are taking on. 

For any expats and immigrants out there, I acknowledge your struggles and daily bravery to keep going forward. Remember, if you feel like you are being consumed, please
reach out. It can be difficult but likely the people that will understand you the most are those that have battled similar monsters and challenges. I don't know about everyone else, but I'm too stubborn to lose this battle. Be there for each other. And find your self-care regiment, even if it includes a therapist. Love and hugs to all... We can do this together!

Another Year Over...

February 7th, 2021

Goodness gracious, I'm horrible about blogging and writing! Here I thought all the days would be filled with adventures I'd feel compelled to share. Yet, often I feel like I'm just being quietly stalked and haters quietly throwing shade about what's going on in my life. I think people don't realize that, even while I'm "living some grande adventure ", I'm still dealing with the same daily life challenges that so commonly plague even the most mundane life. 

We've been dealing with the pandemic of covid-19 for a year now. Still wearing masks in class and have the minor anxieties that are tied to the "what ifs" if one of us catches this dang virus. But at least here I have insurance, affordable and much better than my home country has ever provided me. People are less reactive to outbreaks (as we currently see between 350-450 new daily cases). We have never gone into a lockdown as so many places did. However, there are restrictions on numbers of people, time restrictions for businesses, and masks and temperature checks are mandatory everywhere. In most places, we're also mandated to sign in or have an app that tags our location in the event of an active rise in cases within areas. It's been a nuisance but sadly a new way a normalcy. 

Hearing from most family and friends back home has come to almost a complete halt. Not saying some of it isn't my fault too, but I do feel a bit jaded that it was occurring even as I was reaching out. I felt as if I was always making more effort than others. With 50+ people constantly feeling like I needed to reach out to them first, it really felt like a part time job to keep track of who I had contacted and who I still needed to contact. And then when I did, it often felt very guilt-laiden about my absence or had no conversational substance.

The life of an expat is an interesting one. I have often read up on other people's experiences. It's both exciting and sad. Yes, I get to see places and do things that others may dream about, but you sacrifice connections you thought you had to do so. Maybe they were never really as strong as you once believed they were and this is just a part of the sad reality of it all. Making genuine friends abroad is more challenging as you never know how long each of you will be there. Maybe there's quite a bit of distance physically in your residence or even a cultural/language barrier. And let's not even get into the additional challenges and headaches that come with dating while abroad.

Two years into my "adventure" and I'm less sure about where my future lies. So much of me longs for some of the comforts of home and people I love, yet anxieties of having to be surrounded by those who've nearly written me off mount when I think of returning home. There's a fear of going back to "life as it were" after having had more. At times, it's difficult not to feel abandoned here by those that I confided in or spent so much time with and it has been an ongoing challenge to cope with the anger and heartbreak that it's created. I'm not sad nor lonely here though - not overflowing with friendships either but it's an oddly agreeable feeling of complacency. I may be alone but have become accustomed to the emotional and physical distance and even tend to crave the solitude more than I ever thought I would. 

One of the more challenging things of being an expat, is that you begin to see things differently. How spoiled I had always been to have had a clothes dryer in my home, or to so casually toss into the trash whatever I no longer used/wanted, how easy it was to just BE in the state of residency. Watching people here that view Korea as their home fighting every government policy to stay even after 12 years, the unsurities that come with not having the right passport and how in a brisk moment your world can be changed. Seeing the deficiencies in one's own country become easier. I can now see why people go to places illegally when governments often make it so challenging to even go by the book to come legally. If an employer decided they no longer liked you here, they can let you go and then you have 10 days to find another job within the tight restrictions of your work visa OR vacate the country. 

Being an expat allows one to see just how shitty we all are to each other yet also shows us just how empathetic we can be. Example being: for Thanksgiving I wanted to make pumpkin pie. A luxury so easily taken for granted in the states, yet pies, pie crusts, and even ovens to bake in are a rarity. One little cafe with a very simple taste of home that even turned my taste to a dish I used to turn my nose up at (chicken pot pie), became a haven in finding a little piece of home in a foreign land. In our broken language skills, a friend and I approached the owner to ask if we could buy some dough from her (because good luck getting shortening here). She seemed confused and hesitant to even try to understand our request. But then returned with 4 tiny little frozen pre-made pie crusts in her own tins. Amazingly, these were small enough to fit into a toaster oven purchased for small baking tasks. While it took over 3.5 hours to cook 4 micro sized pies, it made everything feel worth the struggle. She trusted us with her dishes and upon returning them, we thanked her by sharing one of our baby pies. Small gestures like these seem to make all the other expat struggles more than worth it.

While you realize your own country seemed good before, you are faced with its shortcomings like no national health insurance. Some of the basic perks make it harder to return to your own broken system. You begin to weigh the pros and cons of your restrictions as an expat vs. the ease and familiarity of your own national status. I really understand why people come to the US not knowing nor learning a lot of English and even risking deportation. We do have it worlds better than so many other places and it is not an easy task to do everything by the letter of the law. It's a very arduous and stressful task that sometimes time doesn't allow. 

As I sit here eating a small bowl of basic white rice and drinking a cup of tea made from an electric kettle, I only can wonder what my future holds. I don't worry but I do question my motives for staying or for leaving. I am fully aware that I will never be or feel the same in my own native country, nor will I ever feel truly at home in a foreign one and this is truly an immense burden to process. 

Currently, my whole life for the past 40 some years can fit into a couple large suitcases and a handful of boxes, which even that seems like too much to bear sometimes. I still cling to seemingly irrelevant items that trigger memories yet I realize there is actually very little purpose for them in my life. It's a peculiar predicament to be in. After this, I know I could be content somewhere in a quiet area just outside a town living in a tiny home with the most basic necessities and a few personal trinkets or treasures. It really just comes down to getting the goods one needs and good health. 

Anyway, rambling on about how I'll never really fit in anywhere again while still trying to make some major decisions. Stress and anxiety has become an unfortunate companion as of late and I know I need to cut ties sooner than later with this burdensome friend. Once again, decisions need to be made and I find myself in a déjà vu of where I was last year with the only difference that will for sure not be at the same job nor in the same housing as I've already given my notice. Question now is do I search for another job here and deal with the BS politics that comes with being on a work visa or go back and face the BS politics of life back in my "homeland". Oh, what a life!

Happy New Lunar Year!

(2 years of life compressed into 2 suitcases...)