Repatriation is a B**ch - "Welcome Home"... Maybe

May 22, 2022

I returned to the states April 20th and I probably spend more time fighting back tears and trying to maintain composure these days than I have in a long time. I knew it was going to be difficult. Only about 40% me was ready to leave. If a work visa meant I could have quit and found a new, different job field there, I'll tell you in a heartbeat that's what I would've done. But S. Korea's visas are very restrictive and not really as foreign friendly as many expats would like them to be. 

I was struggling packing up 3 years of a life that I created from only 2 suitcases and a poorly paying job with semi humane living /working conditions. Everything I endured and overcame to be successful, independent, happy, content... and I'm stuck deciding what value things are to me, what I can dismiss or pass on. I'm not sure if you've ever had to pack up your whole life into boxes... as many times as I've had to do it, this time was the most difficult. A lot of procrastination, a lot of convincing myself it's time, a lot of denial, and even more tears went into emptying my apartment through March and April. 

I thought that I needed to come to help be there for other people and that I was done coping with my current expat circumstances, fed up with the foreign politics. I started researching what to expect with repatriation to help prepare, but it really wasn't enough. I understand why there's debriefing for soldiers who've been stationed or in intense situations. You are NOT the person you left as but everyone assumes you are or you should be, just with new stories to share - except no one wants to really hear them. Few people ask about your experiences and even fewer ask how you're reacclimating. And if you say, "In (XYZ) things were (this way)" you start to see eye rolls and signs of disinterest, but that's what you know now.

Everything at home is unfamiliar, seems ridiculous, or feels strange. Places you once frequented create anxiety. Fear of running into people you knew, especially ones you thought were close but drifted all too easily away after you left. When it happened to me I was strange and awkward. I just wanted to run away, to cry, to yell - I don't even know all of the emotions I was feeling but I didn't want it to happen again. If I'm stagnant too long I feel my eyes anxiously scanning hoping I don't see any familiar faces. I probably looked scared or highly suspicious. Even dropping the mask makes me feel naked and exposed to not a disease but vulnerability and judgement. It took me almost a month to even choose to meet up with a close friend because maybe even that would be weird. How could I lose so much by having gained and accomplished so much? 

I had some money to come back with but circumstances quickly demanded that I use it and to get back to what everyone else calls "normal". It's the most abnormal I've ever felt. I struggled moving from Hawaii to Colorado but this... THIS is almost as heavy of a burden as when I lost my mother. Nothing tastes good. Things look different, yet familiar, as if only from a dream. You question daily things that you've dealt with like tips and sales taxes, road rage and clothing choices, your safety and your tolerances. You feel more foreign in your own country than you ever did in the foreign land... and you're doing everything not to scratch and crawl your way back to that place because it's hard to accept and adjust to this... this place they call "home"... Going back isn't the solution, but going back to an old life isn't either.

When I left for Korea I had a house full of belongings, a running car, so many close friends. Upon returning, I'm lucky to be able to collect my few boxes into a small closet, my car sits collecting cobwebs - broken down, my family relationships have become more unstable - fragile even, many friendships I thought were strong are broken and trigger so much heartbreak and confusion - no job, dwindling funds, no private space of my own... I feel as competent and independent as a 13 year old child. I feel I can relate to dementia patients or homeless war vets. Even though I don't know the extent of their struggles, I have a small taste, an idea of what it's like to go back "home" and not know where you are. Like déjà vu - you may have been here or done this before but you can't really put your finger on it.

People welcome you back and it breaks your heart instead of making you feel happiness. You really don't feel welcome. People are weird to you. Everything feels foreign. You're struggling with a heavy loss and everyone thinks you should be or feel "normal" now. But there is no longer a "normal" for you. Where you were was lacking, but where you return to is a gaping hole in the space-time continuum. "Who are these people, these places? Have I always been so oblivious and content with this crap?" It's hard to now be proud of where I'm from - call me unpatriotic, I don't feign a care anymore. You start to realize there are some good things about everywhere but it's hard not to be shocked and appalled by all that you see that's lacking here, at "home". You have disappointment after disappointment. You feel lonely but surrounded and engulfed by chaos, drama, and so much noise you can't tune out. You can't get away like you used to be able to and it's easy to feel trapped - to feel overwhelmed or even hopeless that you'll never feel such contentment and simple joy as you once did. Yes, that's depression - but, "Welcome back!"

You may get angry with yourself - "Why did I come back?" Disappointment takes hold - "What do I have to show from such a grand adventure?" I now live out of suitcases and get to try to minimize and repack my whole life to sit in boxes longer while everyone else is starting new. You feel grief - "I've lost so much and I'm losing myself whom I built up so strongly through those experiences." You compromise - "Maybe if I just bite my tongue, not feel feelings and/or acknowledge struggles I'll be able to cope and move on more quickly". Hopefully you'll reach acceptance before you lose yourself or your mind. 

I feel like what I'm going through others see as just something as interesting as "oh, you swam with a dolphin - cool." Yet to you, you defeated an alien invasion and saved the whole human race from extinction - but "cool". "Welcome Back". Now you can stop "playing" and get back to "real life" like everyone else. But, like a toddler in their terrible twos, you want to kick and scream the whole way, "I dont want to! You can't make me! It's not fair!!"

And yet, very few people still ask, "How are you doing? Do you need anything? Hell, she's strong and independent. She lived three years in a foreign country. She's got this. I have my own things to deal with".... but she's trying to help others because that's all she knows and it's her only familiar thing at the moment - even when she's being told to STOP and think of herself and her needs first. But, the "thank yous" or words of appreciation are lacking or few - and it hurts. It's almost crippling... It's difficult for her to just wake up in this unexciting, mundane, past life. She's struggling but still puts others' strifes before her own. And yet, others are upset with her when she's not the way they want or expect her to be....

Yeah, it's a catch 22 - a swift kick in the cajones. I would never say don't go or don't travel/live abroad. Quite the opposite, actually. GO! Go sooner than you think you're ready! Don't stop going! You are a global citizen and only other expats will ever truly understand you now. You are wiser, more sympathetic, more wordly, more calculated with relationships, you know the value that living somewhere completely different or exotic gives you. You appreciate the mundane and complications of new but not the past. YOU. ARE. FOREVER. CHANGED. And it's wonderful, and amazing, and sad, and overwhelming, and scary - all simultaneously chaotic, and it's so exhausting and confusing but so ASTOUNDING! And ... so lonely... more lonely than being in a foreign land knowing no one... "Welcome back home", they say to you as you're grieving the loss of your "home"... and all you can do is fight back the tears and emotions, and pretend that you're "home" so people will just let you be alone, while waiting for that moment of acceptance to come......... 🕛🕐🕑🕒🕓

"Once a marvelous sight and great strength, she is now sitting in shambles, unattended to, quietly and unceremoniously just falling apart."