On the way...

It wasn't until about 11.5 hours into the flight that I began to realize what was actually occurring. Honestly, up to this point it seemed like any overseas trip that I've taken before... And just when I actually started to think about it, did this all really feel like some dream as if tomorrow I'll wake up at the Joo's house as I have for the past 4 days, or even at mom and dad's.

People have been asking how I feel - if I'm excited - and my response has been, "I don't want to think about it until I'm stuck on a plane". Well, that is definitely how it worked out for me. I tend to have an idea and then just act on it. If I think about anything too much I will likely never do anything. I know this about myself.

Everyone always says how brave I am and it takes a lot not to just laugh because most things I just do without dwelling in thought. Don't get me wrong, I plan - I believe I plan a lot. I doubt many people have as much planned as I do. Granted, most are probably younger and just barely learning about life and adult skills. But I also know if I think too much about anything I will probably psych myself out with all the 'ifs' and things that could go wrong. So - I just act... I set a 'goal', if you will, and just do it unless I absolutely feel in my gut that it's not right.

So, here I sit on a plane somewhere over Russia, maybe even China (I have to look it up when I land in Hong Kong) thinking, "oh my gawd, did I really just leave everything I had and knew behind!?!?" Then I think, "I still cant even begin to imagine what immigrants and refugees are going through". Likely, they aren't sure where they'll be staying, what to expect - probably little planning or belongings. I brought 2 suitcases of stuff, which I'm sure is way more than people in these situations. I can't even begin to count how many boxes people were checking in on this flight... we are very spoiled and sometimes this leads to a crazy idea of entitlement. 

This is a strange mix of emotions to feel both so selfish about everything I left and about other's struggles. I've done well not shedding many tears (yet) - mostly because I know they won't stop flowing if they start (which is why I decided to stop watching movies on the flight). There are other things that I need to focus on first and my sadness is just not on the top of that list now.

Anyway, in the midst of my selfish thoughts I race back to other's plights and struggles. Honestly, it's both a blessing and a curse. Not only do I think of complete strangers whom I've never seen nor met, but I think about those who I left behind.

I casually tell people it's no big deal because we go daily not being around everyone every moment - people move to different cities or states all the time and I keep telling myself this is really no different. About 90% of me believes that LOL. But I hope that in what I am doing it isn't hurting anyone. I'm crappy at goodbyes because I don't like to get emotional - doesn't mean that I'm not, it just means it isn't helping me and my goals at that moment.

Anyway, rambling over, but I just felt that I needed to catalogue some of these feelings and thoughts in their purest non-collected form before I forget or alter them. Biggest thing to say is that when asked if I'm excited or how I feel is that it really feels like some outlandish dream at the moment. That is neither good nor bad, just aware that the situation feels unreal and unfamiliar.

Jewels
2-19-2019